My heart was pounding! I felt the bed shaking.
Lub-dup- Lub-dup- Lub-dup- Lub-dup- Lub-dup- Lub-dup.
Was he going to feel it through the mattress?, I thought to myself, worried I was going to wake Mr. ET. I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable, holding my heart tightly in fear that it was going to leap from my chest. I was unable to find a comfortable position and I couldn’t shake the feeling. It was getting worse and everything was getting faster. I was beginning to burn up and my thoughts were racing.
Holy-outstanding- financial-obligation! How did you manage this one?
You are holding a debt, how can you be back in school?
How do you expect to pay this off while being a student?
You’re only grazing the surface of your debt.
The minimum payments are sucking your funds.
I shot up in bed. Sweat dripping from my face, I couldn’t catch my breath.
Lub-dup- Lub-dup- Lub-dup- Lub-dup- Lub-dup- Lub-dup.
My mean self was kicking my ass. And then, in one fell swoop, I lost the battle.
What is wrong with you? Seriously, something is wrong with you! You just continue to rack it up even more!
I flung out of bed, raced down the hall and threw myself into the shower, nightgown and all. I knelt down in the tub and with the water beating down on my crumpled body, I cried. Actually, I sobbed. The warm water eventually ran out. I stripped off my soaked nightgown, dried myself off and climbed back into bed next to my sound sleeper.
That was my first panic attack.
As a nurse, I feel like I’ve heard the countless ways that stress can harm our health. We often speak about how being stressed can lead to a variety of health issues including obesity, skin disorders and heart disease but what interests me is the effect stress has on our bodies at a deeper level. Deeper beneath the surface, stress equally affects our bodies on a genetic level. Health psychologist, Elissa Epel, studied a group of mothers caring for their chronically sick children and examined their genes and what she discovered is truly amazing. Epel found that the stress experienced by these mothers led to “fraying” of the ends of their chromosomes. Think of it as the unraveling ends of an old shoelace. Normally, the fraying of chromosomes is an expected process of aging yet with these women, the fraying was happening so quickly due to stress that it had already accelerated their aging process by ten years.
However, not all hope is lost and there are ways to ward off the effects of stress on our bodies. According to Epel, reflection and acceptance are key steps in reducing the “fraying” of our DNA. The I-coulda-shoulda-woulda dialogue doesn’t help anyone. Reflection is the constructive tool of the worrier, turning negative thought into a useful assessment.
Maybe I should only pay with cash from now on.
I’ve recently found another way of managing the stress by slipping into a yoga and pilates routine. Normally, I’d opt for a nice long run, but due to a minor knee injury I’ve had to hang up my running shoes this fall. As a trained Ayurveda practitioner, I have a deep respect for yoga. As a nurse, I can understand the physiological benefits and as the girlfriend of a skeptic, who likes to eat bacon and question anything not firmly grounded in science, I know I need to offer a little evidence. Researchers have been studying the effects of yoga on anxiety and depression since the 1970s. Yoga helps regulate our stress response mechanism, assisting us in properly dealing with future stressors. A recent study has even provided MRI confirmation that everyday yoga enthusiasts have significantly higher pain thresholds, as yoga calms the stress response system. German researchers tested this notion on “emotionally distressed” women. One group partook in two 90-minute yoga classes a week while the other group of women continued in their normal routine without practicing. Three months later, the women were retested and the yoga group found their depression and anxiety scores reduced by half. Yoga is even being considered for future treatment for people suffering with post-traumatic stress disorders. The skeptics may not be reaching for a yoga mat just yet, but these are remarkable findings, no?
My debt is real, it’s large and it’s ugly. It won’t magically disappear and it will certainly not decrease in size if I continue to supply myself with the quick mood-boosting purchases like I have done in the past. I have to deal with the stress and not sidestep it any longer, if not for my hot water bill then for my health and delicate DNA. I strap on my runners and go for walks, dance around the apartment to a new playlist every week, have mind-blowing sex and laugh as much as possible. I also make a point to set aside thirty minutes a day for my own unique yoga-pilates-danceathon routine set to the soundtrack of whatever makes me move at the time.
My panic attack this past August sparked this stop shopping and behavior analysis journey of mine. It has got me thinking and journaling of why, on a personal level, I’ve gotten myself into such a financial mess. I’m finding myself fascinated by how some of us in society have become paralyzed by our poor ability to cope with stress. It makes me wonder, why have we continued to evolve with a weakness for coping with psychological stress?
Tips to share:
Take the time & shake it off or as Lady V says, walk it off!
We can chose and learn all sorts of ways to relax but the key is to make it a lifestyle change. Yoga, walking, hiking, dancing, etc… heck, it could even be taking a bath with a good book. I think the key is to simply play a little more. My accountant Mr S. teaches fitness classes at his office for his colleagues. I think he’s great.
Tally:
Aside from a lampshade and a wonderful yet completely unnecessary book on sewing projects, I’m proud to report no nonessentials purchased!
I am so sorry you had to go through that!! You are so strong and you will make it through this!!
Of course I am following!! It’s my way of supporting!! and I am so proud of you already because i know you will make it!!! I just know it!!! You will be so proud of yourself and feel so good when you get to that finish line!
Miss you!!
Thank you, Guila! Your support is truly appreciated
Hope you’re well and I run into you sometime soon. xo
Walk it off Tash!
Veronikaszkudlarek.com
Haha!! Even bought some toilet paper while doing so last night!
An inspiring post.
Thank you for reading
I have direct and significant experience with yoga decreasing stress. (The original purpose of asana practice (they physical poses) was to calm the body so that the mind is ready for meditation. When practiced in its entirety, yoga is a spiritual path- though asana practice on its own is very beneficial.)
What I see in many studios (or at home) is people practicing with the Western competitive/athletic mindset, and actually taking on worry and self-criticism because they “cannot do” certain poses or “progress” to more demanding levels. If one approaches yoga as “you are perfectly fine where you are”, the stress reduction benefits will be noticeable very quickly.
Some studios foster that competitive atmosphere. (One that does not is Naada Yoga here in Montréal.) Anyone interested in beginning yoga should watch for this distinction in a studio or teacher, and understand that not being able to do this or that is irrelevant.
Thank you, Duchesse, for bringing up those important details about yoga. I actually remember a yoga teacher last summer saying exactly that “you are absolutely fine the way you are”. She later corrected my shoulders (I’m a sloucher) but it felt even better after she did so.
The reason I describe my personal routine as a medley is exactly because over time I’ve discovered what feels good for me. I begin with some pilates, more toning and then progress into yoga poses that are tailored to my need at that exact time/day. I understand that each pose holds specific benefits and that not all poses are for everyday. Some are better suited for times of stress, others should be avoided during menstruation and certain poses can alleviate (or aggravate) specific ailments. Ustrasana (camel pose) opens the chest and Gomukhasana (cow face pose) opens the hips and challenges tight shoulders (slouchers).
I remember my yoga instructor in Ayurveda school saying “many homemakers in India do not attend yoga classes as they do yoga in their day to day lives. Hanging the laundry on the line opens the shoulders, scrubbing the floors stretches the back forward…yoga is part of life”. That always stuck with me and kind of appreciate these types of chores differently since then.
(Naada Yoga for the Montréalers and Kulanava for those in British Columbia)
Thanks Lady T for this amazing post. Truly eye opening that our genetic makeup is affected at such a molecular level, such that the “shoe lace caps” of our DNA is eaten away by our EXPERIENCE of stress.
.
In November I began a journey of “perception change,” because I felt that being driven by anxiety, fear and negativity was not a healthy or pleasant experience. Already so much of the world is outside of my control, the very best I could do to cope with these external stressors is to change how I experience them internally. What is fully within my control is my perception/experience of stress. In every situation I can choose 2 paths – 1) kick myself while I’m already down or 2) pick myself up, acknowledge the problem and resolve to deal with it in little pieces. For this, I turned to yoga and meditation for guidance.
Yoga and meditation has given me the opportunity to practice this perception change, to practice re-framing a situation, and to develop a discipline that allows my mind to continue to think, recognize and acknowledge thoughts, but without reacting to them. I am finding space… space between thoughts, space between breaths, space between my emotions and my thoughts. I am learning to be responsive instead of reactive.
Though yoga and mediation are many a magical thing, I concur that it does nothing for filling our coffers and paying off our debts… I still have a lot to work on in the spending department – that instant gratification of purchasing things and owning things. This path to enlightenment sure is long
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